We need this to help cut through all the remarkably stupid job postings out there. The reason so many of them are so stupid is that they are text storms demanding massive lists of qualifications, using peppy language better suited for a Red Robin menu, and in many cases not even real–either this is window dressing for the actual plan to hire an internal candidate, or it’s a scam that will send a ‘test’ assignment which in fact is work they want done and plan to appropriate for their own purposes.

The modern workplace (with rare and precious exceptions) has suffered from a collapse in demonstrated leadership. Emotional terrorists–little Osamas–have taken over with zero actual leadership background and know no other way but to bully. No wonder young people start to give up on the notion of a long-term job with advancement potential and good benefits. Our society’s workplaces have disheartened them.

You who make millions a year in senior management for corporations? This is on you. You’re the leaders. Fucking do something and stop weeping openly about the current generation. When you were a twentysomething, your elders were weeping about yours and what it was coming to. The corporate leadership this has produced suggests that your elders were correct. The reason Catbert became popular is because you authored his models.

At the same time, our educational and problemsolving decline is indeed having an impact. That was a multi-generational national decision, which I pretty much suspect was nudged along by everyone who prefers a stupid populace incapable of seeing through flaming bullshit.

So, lighting the proverbial candle, I offer this moderately plausible interpretation glossary for translating job advertising:

• Able to lift X lbs.: Not disabled. We threw that in there so we wouldn’t have to give those irritating accommodations.
• ALL CAPS: Our content is so unattractive we have to go full drama queens. It can’t speak for itself.
• AI-savvy: Under 30. In that age range we begin with the assumption that they all cheated their way through school with AI and are helpless without it.
• Career development potential: Promises we keep vague for a reason.
• Communications skills: Able to look another human being in the eyes and hold conversation in some form.
• Competitive salary: Notice we don’t tell you what that might be.
• Depending on experience: The very least we can get by with paying you.
• Detail-oriented: Can actually spell English words.
• Dynamic environment: Chaosium caused by managerial incompetence and resulting caprice.
• Entry-level: Only requires this stupidly long list of qualifications, with which one would be well above entry level.
• Excellent benefits package: Has any benefits in any form.
• For the right person: That is, the right person with a pulse who doesn’t flee when we tell them it’s minimum wage.
• Impossibly complex list of demanded experience: We’re hiring an internal candidate. You have no chance. We wrote this just to discourage you so we could say ‘see? no one was as qualified.’
• Junior management position: We give titles, not compensation.
• List of qualifications a mile long (as in ‘entry-level’): We really have an internal choice we plan to hire. We just want to make sure we don’t get any crap about that, so we are going through the motions. Don’t bother. [I have come at this one from three different directions because it is so often the norm.]
• Management potential: We give the dream of titles, not compensation.
• Motivated individual: Preferably motivated by student loan debt.
• Organizational skills: Knows Latin characters and can learn the word ‘alphabetize.’
• Phone skills: Not paralyzed with terror and going into an emotional crisis at answering a call.
• Professionalism: Doesn’t wear sweats to work.
• Prospective customer outreach: You are going to be fucking cold calling. By the end of the first day you will be questioning your life choices. Keep it up and you will become a misanthrope.
• Room for advancement: Will be buried immediately in duties and bogged down with no hope for advancement.
• Self-motivated: Comes to work most of the time without being begged.
• Steady under pressure: This is code for ‘no autism spectrum projects.’ We sympathize, but don’t want to deal with accommodating those situations; it cuts into our margin.
• Tech-savvy: Has heard of Word and Excel. (We know that proficiency is too much to ask.)
• Well-groomed: No nudists or homeless need apply.