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Murphy’s Law Enforcement

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You know the people that I feel worst for? They are the Murphy Police.

Murphy’s Law, as we all know, says that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. I obey this law. For example, I don’t get my hopes up too much on most things, and I don’t place a lot of faith in people to change or grow. If they do, wonderful. If not, once the pattern is displayed, I expect it will probably continue. A person who is normally late is not going to wake up one day, have an epiphany, and become timely. That person will always be late. A person who is prone to cancel at the last minute is not going to start caring about others. That person will always cancel, and it’s foolishness to expect or demand otherwise. People will be themselves, for better and for worse depending upon the trait.

Some, however, are in Murphy’s Law Enforcement. Everything goes wrong for them, and often it’s not their fault. I don’t know how they get by. A person who is in Murphy’s Law Enforcement has bad news and disappointment seemingly every goddamn day. Day was going well? Cat began throwing up. Just got cat vomit cleaned up? Kid began throwing up. Just got kid cleaned up? You began throwing up. Money was starting to ease up? Catalytic converter went south. Job situation looked good? The new boss is Osama. Just got over shoulder surgery? Right on time for a dental abscess.

It mystifies me how it all works. Are there people who just attract bad luck, real-life Schleprocks? I don’t really believe in karma, nor do I believe everything happens for a reason. In some cases, it can be traced to a pattern of negligence or procrastination, but not in others. I suppose one metaphysical explanation would be that some people are followed around by chaotic energy fields or somesuch. I have no way of knowing if there’s anything to that.

What I wonder most: has anyone ever successfully resigned from the Murphy Police Department? Is there anyone who has ever found a way off the force? Or is it a case where, once sworn, one’s fate is forever to uphold Murphy’s Law?

Homeownership

Extended warranties

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You do know, right, that these are almost always pure profit for the vendor.  This is why sales staff are encouraged to push them at every opportunity, and may even be canned for not selling enough.

There is a devastating yet polite rejoinder for pressure to buy an extended warranty:  “If you think an extended warranty is in my best interests, then you must think this product is going to fail shortly out of warranty.  Therefore, are you saying that this is a very unreliable product prone to failure?”

The usual response is hilarious.  “Well, sir, I don’t mean that, just that, in case something does happen, you’d be covered.”  Have no mercy:  “Right, but this is supposed to be reliable.  Either it is a good product or it isn’t.  A good product doesn’t need me to buy extra warranty because odds of failure are remote.  A lousy product isn’t worth buying to begin with.  Which is it?”

Now, if they answer you honestly, have mercy:  “Honestly, sir, they nearly never break.  But my job requires me to offer this to you, and I can see you aren’t interested, so I’ve done all that is needed.  Shall we ring you up?”  If they have the candor to do that, treat them well.  It takes large nads to come out and say that.  If you’re really impressed, buy extended warranty just to help the guy or gal along.  You never know when that karma might revisit you.

Can you imagine me trying to sell extended warranties on editing services? I’d have to call it something different, something more bullshitty, such as “customer care plan.” They’d laugh at me even then. “Let me get this straight. You plan to ask for extra money to fix your own omissions. You do this with a straight face. Gonna pay to reprint all the books? No? Then what good is this?” Same with, say, a refrigerator. Will they pay for all the food that went bad? No.

There is only one situation in which I buy them: electronics for my wife. My beautiful bride emits a field which causes electronics to malfunction. I don’t know how or why, but all her stuff flakes out. Extended warranties solve the problem, not by getting a replacement, but by invoking Murphy’s Law. By extension, ML indicates that if you do not buy an extended warranty, you will be likelier to need it (thus amplifying my wife’s anti-electronics field). However, it also indicates that if you do buy it, you will be wasting your money. This will also mean an electronic device that defeats the anti-electronics field surrounding her. Since what we want is no malfunctions, in that case it’s worth it.