Tag Archives: grand theft auto

What you will have to teach your kids if you let them play Grand Theft Auto

Most people realize that some games are rated ‘mature’ for a reason.  For those who don’t, and figure it’s fine if their kids play Grand Theft Auto series games, you will have to educate them thus:

  1. “You a mock-ass buster fool” is an unacceptable substitute for “I disagree, Dad.”
  2. They should not refer to a water pistol as their ‘strap.’
  3. No matter how hard they try, they will not be able to bunny-hop their bikes over houses.
  4. “Are you dissing my ho’?” is an unsuitable way to ask others to respect one’s girlfriend or sister.
  5. Putting Ammu-Nation gift cards on their Santa Christmas list is futile.
  6. Very, very few stunt jumps can be done on a Big Wheel, and most will not end well.
  7. Why you pull over when a fire truck passes, rather than shoot out its right rear tire and follow it around to watch the crazy maneuvering.
  8. Just because your family sees an Army tank does not mean you now have a Wanted Level of 6 stars.
  9. Sex does not consist of two motionless people in the front seats of a car, facing forward and not touching, magically causing the car to rock.
  10. They cannot escape ‘time out’ or grounding by finding a yellow star police bribe.
  11. It really would not be amusing to park a trash truck across a busy freeway and watch the fun.
  12. Red lights are not just for other people.
  13. Most of the world doesn’t leave its keys in the car at all times.
  14. We didn’t actually go to war with Australia.
  15. Community colleges will not award them an AA in Pay-N-Spray.
  16. They cannot become fireproof by stealing a fire truck and hosing down flaming cars and/or people.
  17. Most of the social comment in the game’s radio stations is a fair depiction of the nation they will inherit.



Grand Theft Auto games

Yeah, they are totally anti-social.  Even if you don’t do half the awful things you could do, the bottom line is you’re still playing a complete thug.  Why would anyone enjoy this? I ask the same question about some types of movies, so one ought to be able to answer the question oneself.  My answers:

  1. Part of playing a game is to be something you are not, in real life. Driving like a maniac and aggroing the police is not my normal day. My normal day involves editing people’s writing, or thinking of ways to market my editing of people’s writing.
  2. The radio soundtracks alone are hilarious, especially the talk radio parodies.
  3. You do accomplish a lot of things that don’t have to be destructive, such as races, stunt jumps, ambulance driving, taxi driving and firefighting.
  4. It blows off a little of life’s steam in a safe environment.

Yeah, it would probably be more holistic and cosmopolitan of me to start a botanical herb garden, or serve biscuits and gravy at a shelter, or go do yoga.  But since I won’t, there’s always this.