I want to write pharmaceutical commercials

I do. Here’s my audition:

(Milfy actress watching little girls’ soccer practice) “In spite of regular exercise, a strict cruelty-free vegan diet of roots and bark, and the monthly superfruit output of two small South American countries, I kept putting on weight. I tried all the fad diets: Atkins, Paleo, Cretaceous, South Beach, North Beach; nothing helped. So, out of the blue, I asked my doctor about Addabitaflab.

“I’m still gaining weight, but at least I went the proper pharmaceutical route to putting on the pork. My doctor also got some green fees at Duckhook Lake, so it worked out for him too. And my husband is not only no longer using the word ‘dumpling’ with regard to me, but he’s starting to think about Addabitaflab himself.”

(Girl scores goal, actress and both teams come unglued)

(Deep neutral-accented voice at the cokey pace of Vanessa from Big Brother) “TalktoyourdoctorbeforestartingAddabitaflab. Womenwhoarepregnantormaybecomepregnant mustnevergetwithintwentyyardsofAddabitaflab. Possiblesideeffectsinclude depressionanxietyconstipationdiarrheanauseaheartattack strokecancerlupusrockymountainspottedfeverandchillblains. IfyouaretakingAddabitaflab and findyourselfwantingtoblowupaRiteAid, discontinueAddabitaflabimmediatelyandconsultyourphysician.”

Now I’ll just sit back and wait for Madison Avenue. Don’t jostle, please; it’s unbecoming. Please do not block the sidewalk or bug my neighbors. On second thought, you can bug one of them, but I’ll let you figure out which one by experimentation.

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