Like the song says, everyone has a little secret s/he keeps. Mine is that I am a closet wannabe vandal. I can admit this because I know I’ll never actually do any of it.

I want to sneak around town at night editing marquees so that they read something sophomorically hilarious in the morning, with one of those sucker poles and a box of letters. I wouldn’t steal their letters, of course. I’m a closet wannabe vandal; no thief in me.

I want to print up my own bumper stickers or license plate frames, then affix them to deserving vehicles:

• JACKASS TAILGATER–DEAL WITH IT
• YEAH, IT’S A HEMMIE, AND I HAVE NO PREPARATION H
• THIS TRUCK COMPENSATES FOR MY MINIATURE PENIS
• I USE MUDFLAPS WITH BARBIES TO REMIND ME WHAT REJECTS ME
• POLITICAL INCONTINENT ON BOARD–DO NOT APPROACH
• MY CHILD IS INMATE-OF-THE-MONTH IN BENTON COUNTY JUVIE
• I’M NOT RACIST; I JUST DON’T LIKE ANYONE WHO’S DIFFERENT FROM ME
• MOUTH-BREATHER (with pic of clamped nose)
• LOVE IT OR LEASE IT
• NOTHING IN THIS TRUCK IS WORTH YOUR LIFE–OR, IN FACT, ANY MONEY
• SHIT HAPPENS. THAT’S THE LIMIT OF MY PHILOSOPHICAL OUTLOOK.
• LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE: DRIVING WHILE TALKING ON MY CELL PHONE MIGHT KILL ONLY ME
• GOD IS MY CO-PILOT. I JUST IGNORE ALL HIS INSTRUCTIONS.
• GET OUT, STAND UP, SPEAK OUT AND LET GO
• VISUALIZE DIPPY ENVIRONMENTAL HOMONYMS
• I USED TO HAVE TRUCK NUTS, BUT I GOT IT FIXED
• IN CASE OF RUPTURE THIS DRIVER WILL NEED A TRUSS
• NRA: BECAUSE WAVING YOUR GUNS AROUND LIKE A FOOL IS THE BEST WAY TO REASSURE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD HAVE THEM.
• OCCUPY SPACE. YOU’RE DOING IT ANYWAY.
• SHARE THE ROAD–WITH PEOPLE WHO SCOFF AT ITS RULES
• WHAT COLOR RIBBON IS FOR A CURE FOR THE RIBBON PLAGUE?
• LIVE SIMPLY–SO CEOs CAN HAVE THE GOOD STUFF
• YES, WE SCAN (Obama logo)
• IF YOU HAD TIME TO GRADE HOMEWORK, THANK MY MOTHER FOR SENDING ME TO SCHOOL LITERATE.
• YES, I’M A TRUCKER. I LEAVE GALLON JUGS OF PEE AND RETREAD SHREDS ALL OVER. BE GRATEFUL TO ME FOR DOING A JOB I GET PAID TO DO.

I wouldn’t be much into the spray paint concept. Although it might be fun to spraypaint rainbows over gang tags. Or emblems like I used to see in Seattle for a punk/grunge band called the Limp Richerds: a male symbol with the arrow hanging down. The slogan was ‘GET LIMP’.

It’d also be fun to make some up for various corporate-logo cars. This particular idea goes all the way back to Dudley Moore in Crazy People. I’ve thought about this every since my freshman year in college when I was on crutches and an AT&T car almost ran me down. (I got the satisfaction of raking the crutch’s wingnut across his fender, but that wasn’t enough to make up for it.)

• AT&T: ARROGANT TWITS & TORMENTORS
• Wal-Mart: POVERTY BREEDING POVERTY
• Charter Cable: YOU’LL HATE US ALL DAY LONG
• Bank of America: THANKS FOR OVERLOOKING HOW WE HELPED CRASH THE ECONOMY.
• Frontier: LIVING UP TO OUR NAME WITH TIN-CAN-AND-STRING DSL
• American Express: PAY OUR FEE TO LOOK COOL
• ExxonMobil: REMEMBER THE EXXON VALDEZ
• IBM: WE OWNED AND LOST THE PERSONAL COMPUTER
• McDonalds: THE FOOD THAT NEARLY KILLED A GUY WHO ATE IT ALL MONTH
• Pfizer: DON’T WORRY, JUST TAKE THE DRUG
• American Airlines: DARE YOU TO CHECK YOUR BAGS!
• Kraft: WE GAVE YOU POLYMER CHEESE, YOU INGRATES
• Electronic Arts: YOU SAY THERE IS NO GAME WE CAN’T DESTROY? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, BITCHES
• Nike: TRY TO FORGET THE SLAVE LABOR. JUST DO IT.
• Diebold: VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE. WE CAN FIX IT LATER.
• TicketMaster: TICKETBASTARD
• Comcast: CRAPCASTIC!
• Capital One: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR FINANCES
• Geek Squad: JUST HIRE RANDOM COLLEGE KIDS. THAT’S ALL WE DID.
• Sears: LESS RELEVANCE. LESS REASON TO GO.
• Apple: SUPERIOR TO YOU.
• Chase: BANK IN PAIN.
• UPS: UNIVERSALLY PLODDING SHIPMENTS
• Equifax: WHEN WE SCREW UP, IT’S YOUR PROBLEM.
• Anheuser-Bush: WITH LIBERTY AND CRAPPY BEER FOR ALL
• Sprint: ENTERING ROAMING AREA
• Unilever: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ALL WE DO, AND IT’S BETTER THAT WAY
• Monsanto: IGOR, SHOW THEM OUR NEW SEEDS

If only.