After our old pal Nirav Tolia moved on from some other gigs like Epinions, he founded a community social networking site called NextDoor. As with Epinions, he understood that a golden secret to a better bottom line was to give the users (aka the product, their participation an incentive to buy the advertising that made the money) cool titles and responsibility, so they would work for free. It’s a smart idea–get someone else to take the punches and shovel the stables for you. Cheap cheep cheap (exactly the way everyone on my local ND demands everything be)!

There are two large issues with NextDoor. Neither is designed to restore any faith in your neighbors.

First relates to the above: community moderation. You can now guess why I’m posting this here and not there; if I posted it on NextDoor, it would violate so many (vague, inconsistently applied) rules they’d probably ban me. It fails to kiss enough asses, and that’s “shaming” on ND. It discusses moderation, and that’s even worse from a moderator’s standpoint. Whatever you discuss, you must not discuss the way what you discuss is moderated.

The second relates to the participants. The more time I spend on ND, the more doomed I realize we are. Everyone wants things for free, or very cheap, but they recoil at themselves working for nearly nothing.  Unless you just lost your cat, there is minimal empathy. Since I already know this, I don’t need a dunker baptism in it. An occasional reminder suffices. It’s not as if my faith in the overall national mentality has any potential to recover, so too much ND is like too long standing at a grave being sad. It won’t bring the deceased back, and at some point it’s not helping even me.

But I’m not going to stand here and curse the darkness. If ND participants are going to continue their very predictable posts that convey to us the very finite ability of our neighbors to think, I will donate my accumulated understanding for the common good. This should be a helpful pick list of post beginnings that ND users could start with, ideally presented on ND when one starts a post.

I despair that ND management would embrace the concept even if they saw this. I get that. They don’t like being reminded that their site is mainly a begging zone, lost cat search grid, and place for people to bleat ineffectually against life’s injustices. Thus, I will put it somewhere that ND people can get at it. If you’re posting on NextDoor and need some help, please review the categories below and see which one might apply to your situation:

• Stuff Piling Up: I need to get rid of some heavy, unwieldy things. I spent fifty years accumulating stuff my kids don’t want! Will someone just haul them away for free?
• Fix My Car Cheap: I don’t like taking my car in and paying a professional mechanic. Who will come to my place and fix it for $20?
• They Can’t Do That–It’s Illegal! It is impossible for anyone to break the law, and the police will enforce all laws, therefore they can’t do that–even though they just did, and the law shows no sign of intervening!
• Parent For Me: I just learned that there is an adult shop/weed place within half a mile of my child’s school. This should not be possible. Join me in demanding that the whole town should reshape itself so I never have to answer uncomfortable kid questions!
• I Got to Move It Move It: I just bought a couch. I have no way to bring it home and the store wants an insane amount to deliver it, $75. Who will help deliver it to me for $15? I will need you to bring it in and take it up the stairs because I’m in an iron lung.
• Cop Invasion: Eight squad cars are in my area tapping their sirens while police officers run around with flashlights and dogs, breaking down fences that delay them. Could there be a crime?
• To Exclaim Is To Declaim: My period key doesn’t work but my exclamation point key sure does! This is how I really talk! I speak in a series of outbursts! Do not think I’m stupid for this! And no, I’m not on meth!
• Naïveté Scene:  I just got a text that says it’s from the sheriff’s office saying that I don’t pay them my fine by tomorrow they’re going to come and arrest me. They say I can pay be Veinlow, PayFoul, or one of those crypt things, Batcoin or something. Is this a scam?
• Need A Unicorn: Please recommend to me a (roofing/plumbing/tree removal/electrical/drywall/etc.) contractor who is wonderful, not busy, and really cheap cheep cheap.
• Need a Good Mow Job: Need my yard mowed within the hour. Will pay $15, you bring mower. Grass is 18″ deep and please weedwhack and edge. Easy money!
• No Wild Animals Allowed: I saw a coyote. Save me from being torn to bits! How are they even allowed?
• Infestment Management: I have ants! Nothing works! I don’t follow the ant bait instructions, and thinking hurts my head. I don’t understand why they just don’t magically die!
• Pro Bonehead: I want legal advice but would rather not pay for it. Could some rando advise me for free? I will make life decisions based on this!
• Newsflash—Lock Your Car: I decided to leave my keys in the car and it got stolen. Has anyone seen a white Honda Accord?
• Neighbors From Hell First Class: My neighbors are rage-filled drug addicts, strident bullies, and complete sociopaths. I asked them nicely to change their whole personal character and they cursed and threatened me. How is this even allowed?
• Methletes On Patrol: Porch pirates/catalytic converter thieves/recycling bin rummagers/etc. stole my Amazon parcels/cat converter/beer cans/something else. Why isn’t anyone stopping this?
• Poop Emoji: People let their dogs have bowel movements in my yard. Why?
• No Knock Warranted: Solicitors/missionaries ignore my NO SOLICITING signs. How is this even legal?
• Pest Controller, Control Thine Own Self: The _______ pest control people won’t stop knocking! I have a NO SOLICITING sign and they don’t care! I called the deputies and they do nothing!
• Household Oppression Agency: My homeowners’ association is full of hall monitors and fascist meanies. This should be illegal!
• Pwoor Pwuppy: Who is setting off fireworks? My Sweet Furbaby is piddling with fear! Why doesn’t someone arrest them?
• Worst Drivers EV-er: As a professional bully, I cannot believe people refuse to speed up when I tailgate them! Drive at least 10 over the limit at all times and let me drive even faster! The law requires you to help me speed! If I ride your bumper, it’s justice. If you delay me, you’re a vigilante! Got that?
• Jaded-In-Waiting: Hi everyone! I’m new here and I imagine there’s a community, rather than a bunch of bickering technophobes!
• Lost PetsDoor: My poor cat/dog/conure/lizard/gibbon/platypus/stegosaurus is lost! I’m heartsick! Help me find him/her/them (in case your pet is transitioning)!
• Cleanliness Is Next To Miserliness: So I want to hire a house cleaner. Since I have no idea how that business works, I think what I want should cost no more than $25: my bathrooms and kitchen cleaned once a month. I had two services out and they quoted me $125, saying they wouldn’t do it at all unless it was biweekly. Insane! I can’t afford more than $30. Cheap cheap cheep!
• Comma Comma Chameleon: Imma rite 57 lines like this with no punk chewation to tell u how offal my life is and Imma beg u 4 some commus and peroids plus any pair of graph brakes u arent using would be grate [… … … … etc., etc.] thank u 4 taking time 2 read all this drivle
• Give To Me Because I’m Broke: I need/want something but can’t pay. Can I have it for nothing?
• Give To Me Even Though I’m Not Broke: I want/need something but paying would suck. Can I have it for next to nothing?
• Give To Me Because I Gave Someone Something Once: I haven’t begged for a month! I gave someone an old towel two months back, so don’t shame me! My husband was unjustly fired again (it’s always unjustly; fifth time this year) and my kids don’t have Easter baskets—who will buy us some? Remember, I gave someone an old towel! I’m due! I also want a pumpkin pie from Costco.
• The Follower: I think that if I just type ‘following’ on someone else’s post, there’s someone who cares. Someone is fascinated to know what I “follow.”

There. If none of these apply, your post will baffle and disconcert regulars because the list accounts for a good 95%+ of what happens on BegsDoor. They won’t know what to do.

Because thinking would hurt.