I participate on a message board with regional forums covering most of the world. The Oregon and Washington forums in particular are full of bright-eyed folks who want to live in the Pacific Northwest. While I can understand that, they often have less than realistic explanations.

I originally drafted this as a post for the board’s Oregon forum, then decided I’d rather just share it with my own readership.

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Official Oregon Relocation Information Form

Hi, we too are interested in moving to Oregon. We are drawn by the (check all that apply):

[ ] Great job market, so we have heard
[ ] Low cost of living, it just has to be
[ ] Excellent educational system (better than Mississippi)
[ ] Low property taxes (you should see California’s!)
[ ] Lack of sales tax
[ ] Beautiful scenery
[ ] Granola people
[ ] Trees (we are from Kansas)
[ ] Seismic activity
[ ] Great climate (we love [ ] rain [ ] sun)
[ ] Show ‘Portlandia’
[ ] Ability to have someone else pump our gas
[ ] Strange laws
[ ] Legal weed
[ ] Number of preppers
[ ] Bicycling
[ ] Sailboarding
[ ] Rajneeshees (we saw an old documentary)
[ ] Emptiness (we plan to live in south Malheur County)
[ ] Assisted suicide laws
[ ] Gay-friendly attitudes
[ ] Pockets of True Biblical Marriage outlook
[ ] Pendleton Roundup
[ ] Monsanto Roundup
[ ] Kicker
[ ] Punter
[ ] Long snapper
[ ] Other ________________________________

Our monthly housing budget is:

[ ] We plan to trade weed for it
[ ] $500
[ ] $750
[ ] $1000
[ ] Surely we can get a three-bedroom something for $1250
[ ] Under an overpass
[ ] We’re preppers, we plan to build our End Times fortress

Our children have the following special needs, for which we will want social services:

[ ] Autism
[ ] ADD
[ ] ADHD
[ ] Veganism
[ ] Lactose intolerance
[ ] Other child intolerance
[ ] Spina bifida
[ ] Attitude disabilities
[ ] Learning disabilities
[ ] ODD
[ ] SAD
[ ] Gaming addiction
[ ] Ketamine habit
[ ] Others (list all in this dinky space) __________________

We have the following number of pit bulls and other large dogs (and if you don’t like them, you suck):

[ ] 5
[ ] 6
[ ] 7
[ ] 8
[ ] 9
[ ] 10+, and if you falsely accuse our dog breed of being violent, we will have them rip you to shreds; they are sweet and loving and would never harm anyone

We are coming from:

[ ] California
[ ] Florida
[ ] Arizona
[ ] Texas
[ ] The East
[ ] A flat farmy state

We feel the following about soccer:

[ ] The beautiful game
[ ] Sport for communists
[ ] We think sports are stupid

We are very (check all that apply)…

[ ] liberal
[ ] conservative
[ ] tidy
[ ] slovenly
[ ] insular
[ ] outgoing
[ ] peppy
[ ] crabby
[ ] racist
[ ] guilty

…and would like to live only among our own kind.

In college football, we plan to root for:

[ ] The Ducks
[ ] The Beavers
[ ] The Vikings
[ ] Whoever is doing well
[ ] Our current team
[ ] The abolition of college sports, they suck

We simply must have:

[ ] Lots of green space
[ ] A view of mountains
[ ] A view of the ocean, or at least a river
[ ] A view of puddles, at least, for pete’s sake
[ ] All the things we have checked and specified

Will we be killed immediately for being:

[ ] From California?
[ ] Christian?
[ ] Conservative?
[ ] Gun nuts?
[ ] Screw you, I’m from Idaho, bring it hippies

We have heard that there is terrible gang violence and imminent danger. We can tolerate:

[ ] Not even a loose gum wrapper on the street
[ ] A little tailgating
[ ] Limited diversity
[ ] Petty theft
[ ] Regular gunfire
[ ] Regular automatic gunfire
[ ] All of it–we are a new gang looking for turf

We are willing to endure the following commute:

[ ] We expect to be able to live in our workplace
[ ] One minute
[ ] Five minutes
[ ] Ten minutes
[ ] Fifteen minutes
[ ] Surely there can’t be any commutes longer than fifteen minutes!

We are bringing the following savings to sustain us while we get established:

[ ] You’re kidding, I assume?
[ ] $50
[ ] $100
[ ] $500
[ ] $1000
[ ] Some stash
[ ] None needed, we raid dumpsters

So those are our needs and wants and hopes and dreams. Where should we live? Thank you!

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